How am I doing?

I received a call from my mom the other night asking if I was “ok.” She had read my post about Robin Williams’ suicide and noticed that I seemed to have low energy when I took Katherine to meet my parents for breakfast a few days earlier. She was concerned about my well being, much like I get concerned about Katherine’s.

IMG_2537

Am I ok?

The blunt answer is “no, I am not ok. I do not know that I will ever be ok again.” None of you want to read that. I am sorry to write it. Yet, that’s the truth.

IMG_8486

My daughter, the light of my life, is regressing. In the absence of a miracle, she is expected to live only a handful of years, will become increasingly off-balance and immobile, and will experience frustration at losing her ability to do things she wants to do and did just months before (to be candid, she already is expressing such frustrations), and that is just the precursor to possible dementia, seizures, blindness, and an inability to swallow. Her speech will become harder (is already becoming harder?) to understand until she cannot speak at all.

I have a recurring nightmare (what I am saying, these thoughts come to me in panic attacks in the day more often than at night) in which I go to work while Katherine is still asleep, so I do not get to say goodbye. By the time I get home, Katherine has lost her ability to talk. I will never again hear her say “I love you soooo much” or even “daddy.” I missed my last chance to hear these words while I was sitting at the desk at which I am now typing. At this very moment and as I am writing these very words, these thoughts are so real to me that my chest is tightening in panic and tears are welling in my eyes.

No, I am very much not ok.

The truth known by rare disease families is that despite being “un-ok,” you manage. In some ways you even thrive. You have moments, even days and weeks, of pure joy and happiness; when your only tears are those of laughter and joy.

IMG_0831

Laughter and joy are Katherine’s currency. She spends them freely. I am more alive than I have ever been. I feel more deeply than I’ve ever felt. I am better at living in the moment than before. I see genuine goodness in people around me, in friends, family and complete strangers. People who reach out to lift our spirits and to help us practically and emotionally. I see my daughter in all children and love them for it.

IMG_0618

We do not deserve the pain of rare disease, but we did not deserve the immense blessing that is Katherine, either.

IMG_8505

My dearest baby girl, I would go through the pain of this journey a million times in return for the joy I have experienced. As I wrote in that prayer book in Cincinnati on the day of your first MRI, “you are everything.”

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “How am I doing?”

  1. I love this. I have experienced a lot of these feelings. Somedays it is unbearable. Watching my daughter suffer. I am grateful for every day with her, but the days when there are no smiles, only pain are crushing. Thank you for expressing your thoughts so beautifully. I’m going to post to our page tomorrow.

  2. Hi, there. I am a fellow blogger. My sister-in-law shared your story on my nieces’ Facebook support page. {Go, Mallory. Go.} I want to personally let you know that I am praying for your family. I thank you for your courage to share. I am honored to be in reverence to our heavenly Father in your sweet Katherine’s name.

    Meghan Casey Cobble

  3. This post made me cry as almost all of yours do Dave, but it’s so true and that’s why. I think that the only “gift” that rare diseases ever gives us parents is the gift of really being present and celebrating every inch stone . And in our children I see true resilency and determination. They may be rare, but they are fierce.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s